Jokes

It was a very hot day.

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim.

Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they’d left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes.

After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in my congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”


The New Pastor Came Knocking.

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20 ” and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation “Genesis 3:10”.

Revelation 3:20 reads: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.”

Genesis 3:10 reads: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.”


Then he died.

George had been a faithful Christian for most of his 80 years. Now he was in the hospital, near death and the family called their pastor to stand with them. 

As the pastor stood next to the bed, George’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.  The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and George used his last bit of energy to scribble a note . . . then he died.  

The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that sad time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing his sermon, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when George had died.  He said, “You know, old George handed me a note just before he died.  I haven’t looked at it, but knowing George, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”  

He opened the note, and read, “Move over, you’re standing on my oxygen tube!”


A hole-in-one.

A pastor decided to skip church on Sunday morning and go play golf, so he told his assistant to give the day’s sermon, since he wasn’t feeling well.

He drove to a golf course in another city, where no one would recognize him, then teed-off on the first hole.

A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried it an extra hundred yards, and dropped it right into the hole, for a 450 yard hole-in-one.

An angel looked at God and said, “What did you do that for?”

God smiled and said, “Who’s he going to tell?”


Change of Name.

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the United States Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.

The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as “Wash. Biol. Surv.”, until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper.

“Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible.”

The bands are now marked “Fish and Wildlife Service”.


Eve Has a Problem

‘God, I have a problem.’

‘What’s your problem, Eve?’

‘I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals as well as that hilarious snake, but I’m just not happy, ‘

‘And why is that, Eve?’

‘God, I am lonely and bored and I’m sick to death of apples.’

‘Well Eve, in that case I shall create a man for you’

‘Man? What is that, God?’

‘A flawed creature with many bad traits. he’ll lie, cheat and be vain. He will revel in childish things. He’ll be bigger than you and will like fighting, hunting, and killing things. He won’t be too smart, so will need your advice to think properly. He will have a limited emotional capacity, so will need to be trained. He will look silly when naked, too. But since you’ve been complaining of boredom, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs and you need never be bored again.’

‘Sounds great’, said Eve, ‘but what’s the catch, God’

‘Well, you can have him, only on one condition.’

‘And what’s that, God?’

‘As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, so you’ll have to let him believe I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret . . . you know, woman to woman.’


Bear Alert

The California State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Yosemite and Mammoth areas.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bear unexpectedly. They also advise carrying pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity and know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.


Lost Hat

A man once spent days looking for his new hat, but couldn’t find it. Finally, he decided that he’d go to church on Sunday and sit in the back pew. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat off the rack in the vestibule and take it home.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the Ten Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out, he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.

“Pastor, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I changed my mind.”

The minister said, “Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach ‘Thou shall not steal,’ that changed your heart?”

The man responded, “No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat.”


The Right Sign

An Amish man lived on a quiet, rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. It became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three or four a day. So he called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these tourists driving so fast and killing my chickens.”

“What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff.

“I don’t care, just do something about these drivers.”

So the next day the sheriff had the county go out and put up a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING. Three days later, the Amish man again called the sheriff and said, “That sign didn’t help a bit. They are still running over my chickens.”

So the next day, the county put up a sign that said: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

Again, no change. So the Amish man kept calling the sheriff every day for help. Finally, he told the sheriff, “Look, your signs are just not working. Mind if I put up one of my own?”

The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, let’s see if yours works any better.”

He was willing to agree to anything to get him to stop those daily calls. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the man. After three weeks, he decided to call the Amish man and see how things were going.

“Did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did, and not one chicken has been killed since.” And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, “I’d better go have a look at that sign. There might be something there that we could use to slow down drivers.”

So, the sheriff drove out to the Amish man’s house, and he saw the sign. It was on a whole sheet of plywood. Written in large, red letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY


I’ll Make a Deal with You

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we’ll talk about it.”

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father’s study where his father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up and you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

To which his father replied,”Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!”


The Swearing Parrot

One day an elderly pastor confides in his parishioners that he’s feeling a bit lonely and depressed. So one of the parishioners suggests to the pastor that he buy a pet. Thinking this a grand idea, the pastor hurries into town and after much deliberation, buys a parrot.

Unfortunately not five minutes after arriving home, the parrot starts hurling a string of expletives at the pastor.

After about an hour it gets to be too much, so the pastor walks up to the parrot, slaps him on the beak, and yells, “QUIT IT!” But this just makes the parrot madder and he starts swearing at the pastor in even more colorful language.

Finally the pastor has had it and says, “All right, that’s it. Grabbing a blanket, the pastor throws it over the parrot’s cage and screams, “Now, SHUT UP!” Well, this really irritates the parrot and he starts clawing and scratching at the bars of his cage. Finally the pastor removes the blanket. Immediately the parrot starts right in on the pastor again.

By this time, the pastor is so infuriated that he grabs the parrot by the throat and throws him into the freezer. Well, the parrot starts swearing and thrashing about so loudly that the pastor is considering killing the bird. Just as he’s thinking this, it gets very…very quiet.

At first the pastor just stares at the refrigerator, but then he starts to think that the parrot might be seriously injured. He becomes so worried that he runs over to the refrigerator and throws open the freezer door.

The parrot climbs out of the freezer, flaps the ice off his wings, and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I’ve caused you. In the future, I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary.”

The pastor is astounded. He can’t believe the sudden transformation that has come over the parrot. Finally the parrot turns to the pastor and says, “Um….by the way, what did the chicken do?”


The Barbie Dolls

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager “How much is that new Barbie in the window?”

The Manager replied, “Which one? We have, ‘Barbie Goes to the Gym’ for $19.95, ‘Barbie Goes to the Ball’ for $19.95, ‘Barbie Goes Shopping’ for $19.95, ‘Barbie Goes to the Beach’ for $19.95, ‘Barbie Goes to the Nightclub’ for $19.95. We also have ‘Divorced Barbie’ for $375.00.”

“Why is the ‘Divorced Barbie’ $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?” the man asked, surprised.

“‘Divorced Barbie’ comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s dog, and Ken’s furniture.”


Historical Flight

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

“The flight to Egypt,” said Kyle.

“I see … And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,” Ms. Terri said.

“But who’s the fourth person?”

“Oh, that’s Pontius-the Pilot.


Whoops

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she’s got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding by. She arrives in front of God and complains, “I thought you said I had another 30 years.”

God replies, “I didn’t recognize you.”


Bragging Boys

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”

The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!”


Rest in Peace

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside him and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”

“Good morning, Pastor,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor McGhee, what is this?” Alex asked.

“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service.”

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex’s voice was barely audible when he finally managed to ask, “Which one, the 9:00 or 10:30 service?


Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose in the other members’ private lives. Church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house… and left it there all night!


Pick Up the Pen

A couple were at their first prenatal class. So that the husband could get an idea of what it felt like to be pregnant, the instructor strapped a bag of sand to his stomach.

As he walked around with his new bulge, the husband said: “This doesn’t feel too bad.”

Then the instructor deliberately dropped a pen and said to the husband: “Now I want you to pick up that pen as if you were pregnant.”

“You want me to do it the way my wife would?” confirmed the husband.

“Exactly the same,” said the instructor.

The husband turned to his wife and said: “Honey, pick up that pen for me.”


The Pain of Birth

A woman went to her doctor who informed her that she was pregnant. It was her first pregnancy and she admitted that she was a bit worried about the pain of childbirth.

“How much will it hurt?” she asked.

The doctor answered: “Well, it varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy, and anyway it’s difficult to describe pain.”

“I know, but can you give me some idea?”

“OK,” he said. “Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little.”

“Like this?”

“Some more,” he replied.

“Like this?”

“Yes. Does that hurt?”

“A little bit,” the woman answered.

“Now, stretch it over your head!”


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