Jokes

Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose in the other members’ private lives. Church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house… and left it there all night!


Pick Up the Pen

A couple were at their first prenatal class. So that the husband could get an idea of what it felt like to be pregnant, the instructor strapped a bag of sand to his stomach.

As he walked around with his new bulge, the husband said: “This doesn’t feel too bad.”

Then the instructor deliberately dropped a pen and said to the husband: “Now I want you to pick up that pen as if you were pregnant.”

“You want me to do it the way my wife would?” confirmed the husband.

“Exactly the same,” said the instructor.

The husband turned to his wife and said: “Honey, pick up that pen for me.”


The Pain of Birth

A woman went to her doctor who informed her that she was pregnant. It was her first pregnancy and she admitted that she was a bit worried about the pain of childbirth.

“How much will it hurt?” she asked.

The doctor answered: “Well, it varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy, and anyway it’s difficult to describe pain.”

“I know, but can you give me some idea?”

“OK,” he said. “Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little.”

“Like this?”

“Some more,” he replied.

“Like this?”

“Yes. Does that hurt?”

“A little bit,” the woman answered.

“Now, stretch it over your head!”


Eight Again

A man asked his wife what she would like for her birthday. “I’d love to be eight again,” she said.

So he pulled out all the stops to make her dream come true. He whisked her off to Disneyland, made her go on all the scariest roller coasters, and force-fed her cotton candy and ice cream.

Then he took her to McDonald’s for a special Kids Meal, before rounding the day off with a trip to the cinema to see a two-hour cartoon carnival.

That night she slumped into bed, feeling exhausted and queasy.

“So what was it like being eight again?” asked the husband.

“Actually,” she said, “I meant my dress size?”


For the Sick

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”

“No,” her mother replied.

“Well, I think I’m gonna be sick, Momma!”

“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush.”

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

“Were you sick?” her mom asked.

“Yes.”

“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the Sick’.”


No Use Knocking

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: “No use knockin’ mate, there’s no paper in this one either.”


Three Husbands Talk

One man was from England, one from France and one from Canada. They got acquainted and started talking about their wives. The guy from England began by saying: “I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do her own cooking. Well, the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared… and even dessert.”

Then the man from France spoke up: “I sat my wife down and told her that from now on she would have to do her own shopping, and also do the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries.

The fellow from Canada was married to an enlightened woman from the prairies. He sat up straight, pushed out his chest and said: “I gave my wife a stern look and told her that from now on she would have to do the cooking, the shopping, and the housecleaning. Well the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But on the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye.


Faults of Husbands & Wives

Wives have many faults. Husbands have only two: 1) everything they say and 2) everything they do.


Bad Coffee

Husband: “This coffee isn’t fit for a pig!”

Wife: “No problem. I’ll get you some that is.”


 Newspaper Headline 

“During the grave digger’s strike, local cemeteries will be manned by skeleton crews.”


Speak Up

A little boy was kneeling beside his bed with his mother and grandmother and softly saying his prayers, “Dear God, please bless Mummy and Daddy and all the family and please give me a good night’s sleep.”

Suddenly he looked up and shouted, “And don’t forget to give me a bicycle for my birthday!”

“There is no need to shout like that,” said his mother. “God isn’t deaf.”

“No,” said the little boy, “but Grandma is.”


The Hikers

One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

Joe prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.”

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river.”

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river.”

Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.


I Feel Sorry

You really have to feel sorry for husbands.

They were given a brain and reproductive machinery, but only enough blood to run one at a time.


The Next One

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. “I’m busy, he said. “I’ll do the next one.”

The next time came around and she asked again.

The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. “I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby.”


Wife Control

There were these three guys talking. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third guy remains quiet. After a while, one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you. What sort of control do you have over your wife?

The third guy puffs out his chest and says, “Well, I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me crawling on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed! Their eyes are wide and they have a newfound respect for this guy. “Wow! What happened then?” they asked.

The third fellow sighed and uttered, “She said, ‘Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!'”


What Did the Doctor Say?

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”

1. “Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.”

2. “At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.”

3. “For dinner, fix an especially nice meal and don’t burden him with household chores.”

4. “Satisfy his every whim.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said.

She replied, “You’re going to die.”


God will provide.

A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man.

The father invited the fiancee to his study for a talk. “So what are your plans?” the father asked the young man.

“I am a Biblical scholar,” he replies.

“A Biblical scholar. Hmmm,” the father said. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?”

“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asked the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asked the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned him, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asked, “How did it go, Honey?”

The father answered, “He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I’m God.”


She was so pleased.

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him.

As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

“A penny for your thoughts,” she said.

“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib this nice for only $39.95.”


Cartoons and Jokes are obtained from various sites/services/individuals and are assumed to be covered by Creative Common license, which grants the “baseline rights”, such as the right to distribute the copyrighted work worldwide for non-commercial purposes, and without modification. If a copyright holder finds their creative work on this page and did not give CC license permission for its use, it will be removed upon notice.