In the beginning, God created the earth and then rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
How Do You Get to Heaven?
A teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?”
“NO!” the children all answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?”
Again, the answer was “NO!”
“Well,” she continued, “then how can I get to heaven?”
In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”
At the Post Office
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
“What denomination?” asked the postal clerk.
“Oh, my goodness! Have we come to this?” replied the woman.
“Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic!”
The Pope Wants to Drive
After getting all of the Pope’s luggage loaded into the limousine (and he doesn’t travel lightly), the chauffeur notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
“Excuse me, Your Eminence,” says the driver, “Please take your seat so we can leave?”
“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”
“I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?” protests the chauffeur, wishing he’d never come to work that morning.
“There might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
“Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!” pleads the worried chauffeur, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear a siren.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
“I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
“So bust him,” said the Chief.
“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” said the cop.
Chief exclaimed, “All the more reason!”
“No, I mean really important,” said the cop.
The Chief then asked, “Who ya got there, the Mayor?”
“Well,” said the Chief,”Who is it?”
Cop: “I think it’s God!”
Chief: “God! What makes you think it’s God?”
Cop: “He’s got the Pope driving the limo!”
At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how ’bout a goodnight kiss?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”
“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
“Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”
“No way. It’s just too risky!”
“Oh please, please, I like you so much!!”
“No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”
“Oh yes you can. Please?”
“NO, no. I just can’t.”
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”
I Always Do That
The Pastor came to visit the other day. He said that at my advanced age I should be thinking of the hereafter.
I told him, “Oh, I do it all the time.”
“No matter where I am – in the living room, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I am always asking myself: Now, what am I here after?“
Men of God and the Bear
A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life.
One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. The others nod and say “Yeah, I’ll bet we could do it quicker than you could!” So, they all agree that the next time they meet, they’ll share stories about how they were able to convert a bear.
They all end up in the hospital, but the priest is in the best shape of all of them. They decide to meet in the rabbi’s room. The priest has his arm in a sling and says, “Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, the bear started saying Hail Mary. He’s coming to mass this Sunday.”
The other two clergymen nod in approval, and the preacher goes next. The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He’s in a wheelchair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says “Well, when I finally happened upon the bear, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I baptized him by dunking him in the water several times. Finally, he came to the faith. He’ll be coming to church next Sunday.”
Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He’s in a body cast and there’s no way he’s getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says “Well, I probably should’ve started with something different than circumcision….”
Drinking with His Brothers
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for me self.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.” The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected me brothers though.”
Rabbi and Priest in Car Accident
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”
The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.”
The rabbi continues, “And look at this. Here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then he hands the bottle to the priest.
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.
The priest asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The rabbi replies, “No…I think I’ll just wait for the police.”
Where have you been?
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired from service. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. “I’ve had a pretty good life,” the twenty proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in California and New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.”
“Wow!” said the one-dollar bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!”
“So tell me,” says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?”
The one-dollar bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ….”
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”
Church Board Meeting
There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service,” announced the pastor.
After the close of the service, the Church Board gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst – a visitor who had never attended their church before.
“My friend,” said the pastor, “Didn’t you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?”
“Yes,” said the visitor, “and after today’s sermon, I suppose I’m just about as bored as anyone else who came to this meeting.”
Back on the ranch, Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys about his first visit to a big-city church. Joe said,
“When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral.”
“You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
“I walked up the trail to the door,” Joe continued.
“The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him.
“Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.
“That would be the usher,” Charlie explained.
Joe answered, “OK. Well, the usher led me down the chute,”
“You mean the aisle,” Charlie said.
“Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe continued.
“Pew,” Charlie retorted.
“Yeah,” recalled Joe. “That’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”
The Army of the Lord Needs You
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door, as he always is, to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”
Pastors Having Lunch
Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a road-side diner. One said “Ya know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything, noise, spray, cats and nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said “Yea, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.”
The third said, “I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church and I haven’t seen one come back since!”
The Church Funeral
A new Pastor in a small-town Church spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services.
The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone’s duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held on the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.
Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the “funeral.” In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.
Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a “dead church,” all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each “mourner” peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.
In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.
The Hymn Contest
One Sunday the pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that in one plate someone had placed five $100 bills clipped together. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
And there sat Rosie, all the way back in the last pew , and she shyly raised her hand. The pastor shouted, “Praise the Lord,” and asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him!”
It was Such a Great Story
My father was an avid storyteller and his yarns were so animated and expressive that he could turn an ordinary event into something exciting. However, he was not above spicing up his stories with a little exaggeration, which was the case at a church supper where he was telling one to our pastor. The pastor would occasionally say, “Amazing, quite amazing!”
My father later asked, “Reverend Jones, you must speak with a variety of folks. Tell me, how do you react when you’re sure someone is really ‘shooting the bull’?”
“Well,” said the pastor, “I never want to hurt anyone’s feelings, so I usually just say, ‘That’s amazing, quite amazing.'”
The Preacher and the Atheist
Atheist: “Do you honestly believe that Jonah spent three days and nights in the belly of a whale?”
Preacher: “I don’t know, sir, but when I get to heaven, I’ll ask him.”
Atheist: “But suppose he isn’t in Heaven?”
Preacher: “Then you ask him!”
The Modern Church
Churches have all sorts of new services, today. Now they have a “dial-a-prayer” service for atheists. You dial the number, but nobody answers.
It was a very hot day.
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim.
Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they’d left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes.
After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in my congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”
The New Pastor Came Knocking.
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20 ” and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation “Genesis 3:10”.
Revelation 3:20 reads: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.”
Genesis 3:10 reads: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.”
Then he died.
George had been a faithful Christian for most of his 80 years. Now he was in the hospital, near death and the family called their pastor to stand with them.
As the pastor stood next to the bed, George’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and George used his last bit of energy to scribble a note . . . then he died.
The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that sad time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing his sermon, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when George had died. He said, “You know, old George handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing George, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”
He opened the note, and read, “Move over, you’re standing on my oxygen tube!”
A pastor decided to skip church on Sunday morning and go play golf, so he told his assistant to give the day’s sermon, since he wasn’t feeling well.
He drove to a golf course in another city, where no one would recognize him, then teed-off on the first hole.
A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried it an extra hundred yards, and dropped it right into the hole, for a 450 yard hole-in-one.
An angel looked at God and said, “What did you do that for?”
God smiled and said, “Who’s he going to tell?”
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