Sunday School Class
Sally wasn’t the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was dozing, the teacher asked her a question.
“Who is the creator of the universe?”
Harry, who was sitting next to Sally, decided to poke her with the point of his pencil to wake her up. Sally, surprised, jumped up and yelled, “God almighty!”
The teacher congratulated her.
A little later the teacher asked her another question, “Sally, tell me who is our lord and savior?” Harry poked Sally again and she yelled out, “Jesus Christ!”
The teacher congratulated her again.
Later on the teacher asked, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 20th child?”
Again, Harry poked Sally. Shocked and angry, she shouted, “If you stick that thing in me again, I’ll snap it in half and throw it out the window!”
Used Lawn Mower
A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back at the rectory, he pulls on the starter rope several times with no results. He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, “I can’t get the mower to start!”
The man says, “That’s because you have to curse to get it started.”
“I’m a man of the cloth. I don’t even remember how to curse.”
“You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.”
Late For Class
A little girl, dressed in her ‘Sunday best’, was late and running to her Sunday school class. As she ran, she prayed, “Dear God, please don’t let me be late. Dear God, please don’t let me be late.” Then she fell.
She got up, dusted herself off and saw that her dress was now dirty and had a little tear. She started running again, still praying, “Dear God, please don’t let me be late.” But this time she added, “And please don’t push me, either!”
Forest Gump and St. Peter
When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “Welcome, Forest. We’ve heard a lot about you.” He continued, “Unfortunately, it’s getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in.”
“Okay,” said Forest. “I hope it’s not too hard. I’ve already been through a test. My momma used to say, ‘Life is like a final exam. It’s hard’.”
“Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are.”
1) “Which two days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?”
2) “How many seconds are in a year?”
3) “What is God’s first name?”
“Well, sir,” said Forest, “The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Today and Tomorrow.”
St. Peter looked surprised and said, “Well, that wasn’t the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer.”
“The next question,” said Forest, “How many seconds are in a year? The answer is twelve.”
“Twelve?” said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
“Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …”
St. Peter interrupted him. “I see what you mean. I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too.”
“And the last question,” said Forest, “What is God’s first name? It’s Andy.”
“Andy?” said St. Peter, in shock. “How did you come up with ‘Andy’?”
“I learned it in church. We used to sing about it.” Forest then began to sing, “Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own.”
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, “Welcome, Forest, come on in!”
Southern Baptist at the Race Track
Did you hear about the about the Southern Baptist who was in the habit of sneaking to the race track to bet on the horses?
One day he was losing badly when he saw a priest step onto the track, walk up to line-up and bless one of the horses on the forehead. The horse was a long shot, but the Southern Baptist thought, “With the priest’s blessing, surely this horse will win.” He placed a small bet and, sure enough, the horse came in first.
At the next race, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed another horse’s forehead. Even though this horse was also a long shot, the Southern Baptist was a little bolder this time and placed a larger bet on that horse. Again, it won.
A third time, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed a horse on the forehead. Like the others, this horse was also a long shot. The Southern Baptist placed an even larger bet this time and, sure enough the horse won.
This pattern continued throughout the day with the priest blessing the forehead of a long shot horse, the Southern Baptist placing larger and larger bets and the horse always winning.
At the last race of the day, the Southern Baptist thought, “I have got to go for broke here.” With great anticipation, he watched as the priest stepped onto the field one more time, walked up to the line-up and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. The Southern Baptist ran to the ticket counter and bet all he had on that horse.
The horse came in dead last!
As he was walking out, he saw the priest. Walking up to him, he demanded, “What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they won, even though they were long shots. Then at the last race you blessed a horse, I bet everything and the horse lost.”
“That’s the problem with you Protestants,” said the priest. “You can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.”
Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
Johnny asked his mom, “Where did he come from?”
“He came from heaven, Johnny.”
Johnny responded: “Wow! I can see why they threw him out!”
Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor, dentist or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage out for pickup.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, since he didn’t have metal sheds or greenhouses, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be alone!”
And the #1 reason why God created Eve:
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, “I can do better than that!”
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that a monkey was reading two books, the Holy Bible and Darwin’s The Origin of Species.
In surprise he asked the monkey, “Why are you reading both those books?”
“Well,” said the monkey, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”
Catholic Heart Attack
After suffering a heart attach and having quadruple bypass surgery, a man woke up to find himself in a Catholic hospital with nuns taking care of him. As they nursed him back to health, one of the nuns asked him if he had health insurance.
“No,” he replied, “No health insurance.”
“Do you have any money in the bank?” asked the nun.
“No. No money in the bank.”
The nun asked, “Do you have any relatives you could ask for help?”
The man replied, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.”
At this the nun became irritated. “Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!”
“OK, then,” said the man. “Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing.
The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.
Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and the ball is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.
Then, the old man’s turn is next. He drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water, but a fish jumps from the water hazard and swallows the ball. All of a sudden, an eagle dives from high in the sky, and grabs the fish in his beak. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a ‘hole-in-one’.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, “I really think I’m gonna leave Dad at home the next time!”
A Child’s Point of View!
The story of Adam and Eve was being carefully explained in the children’s Sunday School class. Following the story, the children were asked to draw some picture that would illustrate the story.
Little Bobby drew a picture of a car with three people in it. In the front seat was a man and in the back seat, a man and a woman.
The teacher was at a loss to understand how this illustrated the lesson of Adam and Eve.
Little Bobby gave his simple explanation, “This is God driving Adam and Eve out of the garden!”
Who Makes the Coffee?
A married couple were arguing who is making the coffee, the wife said that in the Bible it says that men should make the coffee and the husband asked her where it said that.
The wife opened the Bible and said: “Right here in HEBREWS!”
Father O’Malley answers the phone. “Hello, is this Father O’Malley?”
“This is the Internal Revenue Service. Can you help us?”
“Do you know a Ted Houlihan?”
“Is he a member of your congregation?”
“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”
The Father replied, “He will.”
The Ham Sandwich
A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest were good friends. At a picnic one day, the priest was eating a ham sandwich. “You know,” he said to his friend, “this ham sandwich is delicious. I know you’re not supposed to eat ham, but I don’t understand why such a good thing would be forbidden. When will you break down and try it?”
To which the rabbi replied, “At your wedding.”
In the beginning, God created the earth and then rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
How Do You Get to Heaven?
A teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?”
“NO!” the children all answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?”
Again, the answer was “NO!”
“Well,” she continued, “then how can I get to heaven?”
In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”
At the Post Office
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
“What denomination?” asked the postal clerk.
“Oh, my goodness! Have we come to this?” replied the woman.
“Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic!”
The Pope Wants to Drive
After getting all of the Pope’s luggage loaded into the limousine (and he doesn’t travel lightly), the chauffeur notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
“Excuse me, Your Eminence,” says the driver, “Please take your seat so we can leave?”
“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”
“I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?” protests the chauffeur, wishing he’d never come to work that morning.
“There might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
“Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!” pleads the worried chauffeur, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear a siren.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
“I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
“So bust him,” said the Chief.
“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” said the cop.
Chief exclaimed, “All the more reason!”
“No, I mean really important,” said the cop.
The Chief then asked, “Who ya got there, the Mayor?”
“Well,” said the Chief,”Who is it?”
Cop: “I think it’s God!”
Chief: “God! What makes you think it’s God?”
Cop: “He’s got the Pope driving the limo!”
At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how ’bout a goodnight kiss?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? I’m a Christian girl. Besides, my parents will see us!”
“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
“Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”
“No way. It’s just too risky!”
“Oh please, please, I like you so much!!”
“No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”
“Oh yes you can. Please?”
“NO, no. I just can’t.”
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”
I Always Do That
The Pastor came to visit the other day. He said that at my advanced age I should be thinking of the hereafter.
I told him, “Oh, I do it all the time.”
“No matter where I am – in the living room, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I am always asking myself: Now, what am I here after?“
Men of God and the Bear
A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life.
One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. The others nod and say “Yeah, I’ll bet we could do it quicker than you could!” So, they all agree that the next time they meet, they’ll share stories about how they were able to convert a bear.
They all end up in the hospital, but the priest is in the best shape of all of them. They decide to meet in the rabbi’s room. The priest has his arm in a sling and says, “Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, the bear started saying Hail Mary. He’s coming to mass this Sunday.”
The other two clergymen nod in approval, and the preacher goes next. The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He’s in a wheelchair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says “Well, when I finally happened upon the bear, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I baptized him by dunking him in the water several times. Finally, he came to the faith. He’ll be coming to church next Sunday.”
Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He’s in a body cast and there’s no way he’s getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says “Well, I probably should’ve started with something different than circumcision….”
Drinking with His Brothers
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for me self.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.” The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected me brothers though.”
Rabbi and Priest in Car Accident
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”
The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.”
The rabbi continues, “And look at this. Here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then he hands the bottle to the priest.
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.
The priest asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The rabbi replies, “No…I think I’ll just wait for the police.”
Where have you been?
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired from service. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. “I’ve had a pretty good life,” the twenty proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in California and New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.”
“Wow!” said the one-dollar bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!”
“So tell me,” says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?”
The one-dollar bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ….”
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”
Church Board Meeting
There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service,” announced the pastor.
After the close of the service, the Church Board gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst – a visitor who had never attended their church before.
“My friend,” said the pastor, “Didn’t you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?”
“Yes,” said the visitor, “and after today’s sermon, I suppose I’m just about as bored as anyone else who came to this meeting.”
Back on the ranch, Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys about his first visit to a big-city church. Joe said,
“When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral.”
“You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
“I walked up the trail to the door,” Joe continued.
“The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him.
“Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.
“That would be the usher,” Charlie explained.
Joe answered, “OK. Well, the usher led me down the chute,”
“You mean the aisle,” Charlie said.
“Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe continued.
“Pew,” Charlie retorted.
“Yeah,” recalled Joe. “That’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”
The Army of the Lord Needs You
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door, as he always is, to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”
Pastors Having Lunch
Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a road-side diner. One said “Ya know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything, noise, spray, cats and nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said “Yea, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.”
The third said, “I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church and I haven’t seen one come back since!”
The Church Funeral
A new Pastor in a small-town Church spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services.
The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone’s duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held on the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.
Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the “funeral.” In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.
Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a “dead church,” all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each “mourner” peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.
In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.
The Hymn Contest
One Sunday the pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that in one plate someone had placed five $100 bills clipped together. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
And there sat Rosie, all the way back in the last pew , and she shyly raised her hand. The pastor shouted, “Praise the Lord,” and asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him!”
It was Such a Great Story
My father was an avid storyteller and his yarns were so animated and expressive that he could turn an ordinary event into something exciting. However, he was not above spicing up his stories with a little exaggeration, which was the case at a church supper where he was telling one to our pastor. The pastor would occasionally say, “Amazing, quite amazing!”
My father later asked, “Reverend Jones, you must speak with a variety of folks. Tell me, how do you react when you’re sure someone is really ‘shooting the bull’?”
“Well,” said the pastor, “I never want to hurt anyone’s feelings, so I usually just say, ‘That’s amazing, quite amazing.'”
The Preacher and the Atheist
Atheist: “Do you honestly believe that Jonah spent three days and nights in the belly of a whale?”
Preacher: “I don’t know, sir, but when I get to heaven, I’ll ask him.”
Atheist: “But suppose he isn’t in Heaven?”
Preacher: “Then you ask him!”
The Modern Church
Churches have all sorts of new services, today. Now they have a “dial-a-prayer” service for atheists. You dial the number, but nobody answers.
It was a very hot day.
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim.
Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they’d left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes.
After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in my congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”
The New Pastor Came Knocking.
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20 ” and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation “Genesis 3:10”.
Revelation 3:20 reads: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.”
Genesis 3:10 reads: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.”
Then he died.
George had been a faithful Christian for most of his 80 years. Now he was in the hospital, near death and the family called their pastor to stand with them.
As the pastor stood next to the bed, George’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and George used his last bit of energy to scribble a note . . . then he died.
The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that sad time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing his sermon, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when George had died. He said, “You know, old George handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing George, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”
He opened the note, and read, “Move over, you’re standing on my oxygen tube!”
A pastor decided to skip church on Sunday morning and go play golf, so he told his assistant to give the day’s sermon, since he wasn’t feeling well.
He drove to a golf course in another city, where no one would recognize him, then teed-off on the first hole.
A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried it an extra hundred yards, and dropped it right into the hole, for a 450 yard hole-in-one.
An angel looked at God and said, “What did you do that for?”
God smiled and said, “Who’s he going to tell?”
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