Teaching Moment
Our fourth grader celebrated his birthday on crutches, so he couldn’t carry the cupcakes into school without help. I asked our sixth-grader, Noah, to help his brother carry them in.
“I could,” he said, “but I’d prefer not to.”
Spotting a teaching moment, my husband asked Noah, “What would Jesus do?”
Noah answered, “Jesus would heal him, so he could carry his own cupcakes.”
Strong Faith
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout, “PRAISE THE LORD!”
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations and he would shout, “There ain’t no Lord!!”
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted: “PRAISE THE LORD. God I need food! I am having a hard time. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!”
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD.”
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, “Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, not God.”
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and shouted: “PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me food, but he made the devil pay for it. PRAISE THE LORD!”
Sunday School Class
Sally wasn’t the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was dozing, the teacher asked her a question.
“Who is the creator of the universe?”
Harry, who was sitting next to Sally, decided to poke her with the point of his pencil to wake her up. Sally, surprised, jumped up and yelled, “God almighty!”
The teacher congratulated her.
A little later the teacher asked her another question, “Sally, tell me who is our lord and savior?” Harry poked Sally again and she yelled out, “Jesus Christ!”
The teacher congratulated her again.
Later on the teacher asked, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 20th child?”
Again, Harry poked Sally. Shocked and angry, she shouted, “If you stick that thing in me again, I’ll snap it in half and throw it out the window!”
Used Lawn Mower
A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back at the rectory, he pulls on the starter rope several times with no results. He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, “I can’t get the mower to start!”
The man says, “That’s because you have to curse to get it started.”
“I’m a man of the cloth. I don’t even remember how to curse.”
“You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.”
Late For Class
A little girl, dressed in her ‘Sunday best’, was late and running to her Sunday school class. As she ran, she prayed, “Dear God, please don’t let me be late. Dear God, please don’t let me be late.” Then she fell.
She got up, dusted herself off and saw that her dress was now dirty and had a little tear. She started running again, still praying, “Dear God, please don’t let me be late.” But this time she added, “And please don’t push me, either!”
Forest Gump and St. Peter
When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “Welcome, Forest. We’ve heard a lot about you.” He continued, “Unfortunately, it’s getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in.”
“Okay,” said Forest. “I hope it’s not too hard. I’ve already been through a test. My momma used to say, ‘Life is like a final exam. It’s hard’.”
“Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are.”
1) “Which two days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?”
2) “How many seconds are in a year?”
3) “What is God’s first name?”
“Well, sir,” said Forest, “The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Today and Tomorrow.”
St. Peter looked surprised and said, “Well, that wasn’t the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer.”
“The next question,” said Forest, “How many seconds are in a year? The answer is twelve.”
“Twelve?” said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
“Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …”
St. Peter interrupted him. “I see what you mean. I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too.”
“And the last question,” said Forest, “What is God’s first name? It’s Andy.”
“Andy?” said St. Peter, in shock. “How did you come up with ‘Andy’?”
“I learned it in church. We used to sing about it.” Forest then began to sing, “Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own.”
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, “Welcome, Forest, come on in!”
Southern Baptist at the Race Track
Did you hear about the about the Southern Baptist who was in the habit of sneaking to the race track to bet on the horses?
One day he was losing badly when he saw a priest step onto the track, walk up to line-up and bless one of the horses on the forehead. The horse was a long shot, but the Southern Baptist thought, “With the priest’s blessing, surely this horse will win.” He placed a small bet and, sure enough, the horse came in first.
At the next race, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed another horse’s forehead. Even though this horse was also a long shot, the Southern Baptist was a little bolder this time and placed a larger bet on that horse. Again, it won.
A third time, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed a horse on the forehead. Like the others, this horse was also a long shot. The Southern Baptist placed an even larger bet this time and, sure enough the horse won.
This pattern continued throughout the day with the priest blessing the forehead of a long shot horse, the Southern Baptist placing larger and larger bets and the horse always winning.
At the last race of the day, the Southern Baptist thought, “I have got to go for broke here.” With great anticipation, he watched as the priest stepped onto the field one more time, walked up to the line-up and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. The Southern Baptist ran to the ticket counter and bet all he had on that horse.
The horse came in dead last!
As he was walking out, he saw the priest. Walking up to him, he demanded, “What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they won, even though they were long shots. Then at the last race you blessed a horse, I bet everything and the horse lost.”
“That’s the problem with you Protestants,” said the priest. “You can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.”
Little Angel!
Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
Johnny asked his mom, “Where did he come from?”
“He came from heaven, Johnny.”
Johnny responded: “Wow! I can see why they threw him out!”
Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor, dentist or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage out for pickup.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, since he didn’t have metal sheds or greenhouses, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be alone!”
And the #1 reason why God created Eve:
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, “I can do better than that!”
The Monkey
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that a monkey was reading two books, the Holy Bible and Darwin’s The Origin of Species.
In surprise he asked the monkey, “Why are you reading both those books?”
“Well,” said the monkey, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”
Catholic Heart Attack
After suffering a heart attach and having quadruple bypass surgery, a man woke up to find himself in a Catholic hospital with nuns taking care of him. As they nursed him back to health, one of the nuns asked him if he had health insurance.
“No,” he replied, “No health insurance.”
“Do you have any money in the bank?” asked the nun.
“No. No money in the bank.”
The nun asked, “Do you have any relatives you could ask for help?”
The man replied, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.”
At this the nun became irritated. “Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!”
“OK, then,” said the man. “Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
Playing Golf
Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing.
The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.
Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and the ball is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.
Then, the old man’s turn is next. He drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water, but a fish jumps from the water hazard and swallows the ball. All of a sudden, an eagle dives from high in the sky, and grabs the fish in his beak. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a ‘hole-in-one’.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, “I really think I’m gonna leave Dad at home the next time!”
A Child’s Point of View!
The story of Adam and Eve was being carefully explained in the children’s Sunday School class. Following the story, the children were asked to draw some picture that would illustrate the story.
Little Bobby drew a picture of a car with three people in it. In the front seat was a man and in the back seat, a man and a woman.
The teacher was at a loss to understand how this illustrated the lesson of Adam and Eve.
Little Bobby gave his simple explanation, “This is God driving Adam and Eve out of the garden!”
Who Makes the Coffee?
A married couple were arguing who is making the coffee, the wife said that in the Bible it says that men should make the coffee and the husband asked her where it said that.
The wife opened the Bible and said: “Right here in HEBREWS!”
Church Donation
Father O’Malley answers the phone. “Hello, is this Father O’Malley?”
“It is.”
“This is the Internal Revenue Service. Can you help us?”
“I can.”
“Do you know a Ted Houlihan?”
“I do.”
“Is he a member of your congregation?”
“He is”
“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”
The Father replied, “He will.”
The Ham Sandwich
A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest were good friends. At a picnic one day, the priest was eating a ham sandwich. “You know,” he said to his friend, “this ham sandwich is delicious. I know you’re not supposed to eat ham, but I don’t understand why such a good thing would be forbidden. When will you break down and try it?”
To which the rabbi replied, “At your wedding.”
God’s Creations
In the beginning, God created the earth and then rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
How Do You Get to Heaven?
A teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?”
“NO!” the children all answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?”
Again, the answer was “NO!”
“Well,” she continued, “then how can I get to heaven?”
In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”
At the Post Office
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
“What denomination?” asked the postal clerk.
“Oh, my goodness! Have we come to this?” replied the woman.
“Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic!”
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