Going to Church Instead of Fishing
A boy arrived late for Sunday School. Knowing he was usually very prompt, his teacher asked, “Johnny, is there anything wrong?”
“No, ma’am, not really,” he said. ”I was going to go fishing, but my daddy told me that I needed to get up and go to church.”
The teacher was very impressed and asked Johnny if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.
“Yes ma’am, he did,” Johnny said. “My daddy said he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.”
Sad Vacation in the Holy Land
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker said, “You can have her shipped home for $5000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for only $150.”
The man thought about it and told him to just have her shipped home.
Surprised, the undertaker asks, “Why would you spend $5000 to ship your mother-in-law back home when it would be wonderful to have her buried here in the Holy Land for only $150.”
The man replied, “A man died here two thousand years ago, and he was buried here, and three days later he arose from the dead. To be honest, I just can’t take that chance with my mother-in-law.”
80 year-old woman gets married for 4th time
An 80 year-old woman was recently married to her 4th husband. A reporter questioned the occupation of her newly acquired husband. She replied that he owned a funeral home. Curious about the other husbands, the reporter also asked about their occupations.
The woman paused for a while and stated that her first husband was a banker.
She said, “I was madly in love with the second one; he was a circus ring-master.”
“And the third one was a Christian minister,” she added.
Puzzled by her answers, the reporter replied, “But none of these people have anything in common! Why did you marry them?”
Smiling she replied, “I married number one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”
Visit to a Monastery
I visited a monastery recently, and as I walked past the kitchen, I saw a man frying chips.
I asked him, “Are you a friar?”
“No”, he replied. “I am the chip monk!”
A Backyard Funeral
Mr. Green peered over his backyard fence and noticed that the neighbor’s little boy was in his yard filling in a hole. Curious about what the youngster was up to, Mr. Green asked, “What are you doing, Jimmy?”
Tearfully, little Jimmy replied, “My goldfish died, and I’ve just buried him.”
“That’s an awfully large hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Mr. Green said.
Patting down the last bit of earth, little Joey replied, “That’s because he’s in your cat!”
Just a Thought!
I was born and raised in New Orleans and was recently thinking about my Acadian descendants.
If Adam and Eve were Cajuns, they would have eaten the snake instead of the Apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.
Easter Sunday Dinner
The pastor’s family was invited to Easter dinner at the Wilson home. Mrs. Wilson was widely known for her amazing contributions to the church’s potluck events. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. And as expected, it was a feast for the eyes, the nose, and the palate.
When the pastor’s youngest son, Peter, received his plate he started eating straight away.
“Peter, wait until we say grace,” insisted his embarrassed father.
“I don’t have to,” the five year old replied.
“Of course you do, Peter,” his mother insisted rather forcefully. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” Peter explained, “but this is Mrs. Wilson’s house, and she knows how to cook.”
Preacher Who Did Not Like Alcohol
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #107: “Shall We Gather at the River.”
Taxi Driver And The Priest
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
“Come with me,” said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
“Wow, thank you,” said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
“Wait, I think you are a little mixed up,” said the priest. “Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God’s word.”
‘Yes, that’s true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.”
A Few Funnies
Q: Did you know that they had automobiles in Jesus’ time?
A: Yes, the Bible says that the disciples were all of one Accord.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A. Nebuchadnezzar: he was on grass for seven years.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. What was Moses’ wife, Zipphora, known as when she’d throw dinner parties?
A. The Hostess with the Moses.
Mommy, what happened?
A woman went to the beach with her children. Her four-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.
“Mommy, what happened to him?” the little boy asked.
“He died and went to heaven,” she replied.
The child thought for a moment and said, “And God threw him back down?”
God’s Creation
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
The Dying Preacher
An old preacher was dying and he sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. But they were also puzzled, for the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either of them.
While sitting there in his quiet bedroom, they both remembered the preacher’s many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and prehensile behavior, which made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, “Preacher, why did you ask us to come?”
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go.”
A Pastor Saying Farewell
A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said “Your successor won’t be as good as you.”
“Nonsense,” said the pastor, in a flattered tone.
“No, really,” said the old lady, “I’ve been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last.
Jesus is watching you!
A burglar breaks into a house one night. As he sneaks around the living room looking for things to steal, he hears a voice: “Jesus is watching you.”
The burglar stops for a second, then thinks it was only his imagination and starts putting items in his bag, but then hears the voice again. “Jesus is watching you.” Now, he is becoming suspicious and says, “Who said that?”
As the burglar shines his flashlight (torch) around, he sees a parrot in the corner of the room. “It’s me, Moses,” the parrot says.
The burglar breathes a sigh of relief and says “What kind of idiot names his parrot Moses?” The parrot answers “The same kind of idiot that names his Rottweiler Jesus.”
An Awkward Question!
There was a rather old fashioned lady, who was planning a couple of weeks’ vacation in Florida. She also was quite delicate and elegant with her language. She wrote a letter to a particular campground and asked for reservations. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped but didn’t know quite how to ask about the “toilet” facilities. She just couldn’t bring herself to write the uncomfortable word “toilet” in her letter.
After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term “Bathroom Commode,” but when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too uncultured, so she rewrote the entire letter and referred to the “Bathroom Commode” simply as the B.C. ”Does the campground have its own “B.C.?” is what she actually wrote.
When the campground owner got the letter, he couldn’t figure out what the lady was talking about. The word “B.C.” really stumped him. After several days, he showed the letter to other campers, but they couldn’t figure it out, either. Finally, he came to the conclusion the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church. So he sat down and wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam:
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that the “B.C.” is located nine miles north of the campsite and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along, and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there.
It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They plan to hold the supper in the middle of the B.C., so everyone can watch and talk about this great event. I would like to say it pains me very much, not to be able to go more regularly, but it is not for lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more and more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you decide to come down to the campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time. I’d be happy to sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. This is really a very friendly community.
Another Blonde Joke
A blonde woman, a priest, a pilot, and a high school student are all on a crashing plane. There are only enough parachutes to save three of them. The pilot is the first to jump. As he grabs a parachute, he says, “I’m a pilot; people need me to fly planes.” And then he jumps out.
The blonde is next to jump. She grabs a parachute and says, “My hair won’t look pretty if I’m dead!” And then she jumps out.
The priest then says to the high school student, “Son, I’ve lived my life to its fullest and I am surely ready to join God in heaven.”
The young student then hands a parachute to the priest and puts another parachute on himself.
The priest is shocked and asks the student, “Oh, Lord! Where did you find this extra parachute?”
The student replies, “The blonde lady took my backpack!”
Friedrich Nietzche (German Philospher, 1844 – 1900)
A poster on the wall in a college read: “God is dead” – Nietzche.
The graffiti scribbled underneath read: “Nietzche is dead” – God.
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