When someone wrongs us, must we always forgive them?

Someone recently told me that they were having trouble forgiving a family member who said some hurtful things. She felt guilty because she just couldn’t forgive them, but others were pressuring her to forgive and forget. I asked her if the offender had apologized or repented for their actions. She said, “No! I wouldn’t feel this way if they had.”

“You have nothing to feel guilty about,” I said. “The Bible teaches us that there can be no forgiveness without repentance.” I went on to explain that there is a Christian way to handle such situations and that is what this discourse is about.

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There is a biblical process — a formula of sorts — to earn forgiveness when someone wrongs another. If possible, the matter should be handled privately between the two parties. To be more specific, since forgiveness is symbolically wiping away an offense from memory, it can only be granted by the one who was offended. And that would be only after receiving an expression of regret, or an apology, from the offender.¹ If the guilty party does not repent, than there can be no forgiveness. Concerning breeches of personal differences, if the accused person refuses to confess and apologize, then a stalemate occurs.²

In more serious matters (including those of criminal activity or those bringing disrespect to the church), you may have to return with another witness or two and try again to reason with the offender or sinner, as competent testimony is required by scripture for such instances (see Deuteronomy 19:15). Someone might now ask, “Why even bother to go through all these steps? Why can’t the offended person just forgive and let that be the end of it?”³

Well, the reason is that forgiveness without repentance sends the wrong message to other Christians; it tells them Christ lied and the error is acceptable. Therefore, Christians should not reconcile and forgive those who offend or sin with no repentance.⁴ Jesus said the following.

“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector” (Matthew 18:15-17, NLT).⁵

NOTE: The meaning of the expression “treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector” is that they should be looked upon as being outside the sphere of the church. Though they may think they are a true believer, that person is not living as one, and should therefore be treated accordingly.⁶

What should be done if someone recognizes their error, sincerely repents and is forgiven, but slips back and does the same thing again? The apostle Peter once asked Jesus, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!” (Matthew 18:21-22). Now, Jesus didn’t literally intend us to believe we must forgive someone 490 times, as this was a figurative way of saying to do so indefinitely.⁷

It may seem odd that Peter even brought up this question about forgiving seven times, but keep in mind that Peter was being generous in his example, for traditional Rabbinic teaching was that an offended person needed to forgive someone only three times. Jesus’ reply was that forgiveness needed to be employed to a much greater extent.⁸

But remember that forgiveness should not be reason for ignoring accountability or justice for a serious blunder or illegal activity. Someone may not have meant to scratch that other car while parking, but even if forgiven by the owner, they are still responsible for the damage. Forgiveness does not release anyone from responsibility; any release from liability would be a gift — an act of grace — but it is not a requirement.

 

Is there any other option besides forgiveness?

When an offender slights you and won’t apologize, what do you do to soothe the humiliation and the hurt you feel? That is, indeed, a conundrum! However, if you are so inclined, there is another option that helps keep the impact of the unrepentant offense from causing you resentment or anger — it is a ‘pardon’. A pardon allows you, if you wish, to immediately stop blaming them in your heart (see Micah 7:18). It frees you from a bitter, unforgiving spirit and leaves the matter on the other person’s shoulders.⁹

A personal pardon excuses the offense without the offender admitting guilt; this is something you do in your heart and mind. You would not be making a deal with the wrongdoer, for they would not even be aware of your mental decision, otherwise they might take advantage of the circumstance. This would address situations within a work place or school or neighborhood setting very well. You could continue to be courteous without being over friendly, but it keeps you from reflecting back in any cold impersonal manner to the offender. In a prayer, just tell God what you are doing and ask our Lord to help you carry the burden.

The idea of a pardon works as a way to engage with God about the wrong we have suffered. We have the opportunity to unburden ourselves and hand the abusive person over to God’s justice, while remaining ready to forgive, should the person later repent. This approach makes it easier for us to abstain from taking revenge.¹⁰

Pardoning a wrong behavior may not be as desirable as repentance, but it is a better option for you than being burdened with bitterness and wanting to retaliate. And a pardon may be necessary if the offender is oblivious of the offense. Such examples would be discourtesies made in an automobile parking lot, or inside a retail store, or because there is no closure to an event if the transgressor moves away or dies.

This idea may give a deeper meaning to a difficult quote from Jesus in the Book of Luke. Scripture states he uttered something unusual while nailed on the cross. “Jesus said, ‘Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing’,” (Luke 23:34a).

It seems rather peculiar that Jesus prayed to forgive his executioners, as scripturally there can be no forgiveness without repentance. This intercessory prayer is omitted in several ancient manuscripts of Luke, suggesting that it may have been added later.¹¹ Needless to say, there is an ongoing debate among well-known biblical scholars. Jacobus Petzer, a biblical scholar at the University of South Africa, said there is a wide basis of diverse evidence in favor of it being added at a later date.¹²

But here is another thought suggested to clarify this problematic quote from our Lord. The idea is that the word translated as ‘forgive’ was Greek, but Jesus likely spoke Aramaic, which has some different word meanings. If that were the case, our Lord may have been indicating his thought was to ‘dismiss’, ‘become less intense’, or ‘pardon’ those who were responsible for his death.¹³ Jesus may have been requesting his father not to punish anyone for their sin at that time — just pardon them or tolerate their actions. That would leave any punishment for God’s later discretion.

 

Is reconciliation necessary?

We need to keep in mind that while repenting and forgiving may be necessary for the release of resentment or anger, it does not mean the necessity of any reconciliation or restoration of friendly relations. “The one offended doesn’t have to return to the same relationship or accept any similar harmful behaviors from an offender.”¹⁴ When Jesus said to “love your enemies” (Matthew 5:44), he didn’t mean we have to ‘like’ them or invite them over to dinner.

If we are to be realistic, unless the wrongdoer acknowledges what error was made, how are we to know they won’t do so again? We surely don’t want to continue subjecting ourselves to abuse. But if they recognize their error and truly repent, generally we can reconcile our relationship of trusting that person again, as they are on notice not to repeat the offense.¹⁵

One website says, “Reconciliation is the restoration of a relationship to a harmonious state after a dispute; it is the bringing of accord out of discord between two parties.”¹⁶ Although the term ‘reconciliation’ is often used between two countries at war who decide to mend their differences, it is just as easily applied between people. For instance, estranged husbands and wives who decide not to split up, or between friends who want to rekindle the friendship they previously had.¹⁷ But while reconciliation may be considered, it is not mandatory.

I agree forgiveness is at the heart of Christian faith, because Christ died to forgive our sins and to reconcile us to God. And Jesus taught that his disciples must forgive those who sin against them (Matthew 6:15). Of course he was speaking about those who repented. But there is a difference between forgiving a person and reconciling with them.¹⁸

So, as a Christian we must forgive someone if they sincerely apologize, for that is what our Lord expects, but we aren’t required to reconcile, as that is not an automatic expectation. While some people believe that forgiveness requires making-up with the offender, that is not true. The Bible does not instruct us to trust people or bring them into close companionship, if they did us harm or they live an otherwise ungodly lifestyle. And other Christians should not pressure you to reconcile if you wish not to do so.¹⁹

 

Conclusion

Recognize that many situations require maintaining proper boundaries to insure someone’s safety, mental health, and general well-being. Only you, as the offended, can determine the best way to proceed. If you follow biblical principles, there is no need to feel guilty — let God be your guide.

When in doubt, we should always go to our Lord with our problems. And the Holy Bible is a storehouse of his knowledge and love to help us through the worst of times and events. All we have to do is dig into scripture for an abundance of advice to help us become better Christians. With that in mind, the music selection is “Dig a Little Deeper in God’s Love” by Gaither Vocal Band in the USA. Selected lyrics are below and a link to the music video is listed in References & Notes.²⁰

I wanna shine, with love sublime.
I wanna dig a little deeper in the storehouse, of His love.
Ooh, I wanna walk a little more like Jesus would.
Yes, I wanna talk just like a Christian should.
Ooh, I wanna dig, dig, dig a little deeper,
Dig a little deeper in the storehouse of His love.

Copyright © 2024, Dr. Ray Hermann
OutlawBibleStudent.org

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References & Notes

1. Kselman, J. S., “Forgiveness”, in The Anchor Bible Dictionary, (Eds.) Freedman, D. N., et al., (New York & London: Doubleday Publishing, [Logos Research Edition], 1992), vol. 2, p. 831.
2. MacDonald, W., Believer’s Bible Commentary: Old and New Testaments, (Ed.) A. Farstad, (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1995), p. 1274.
3. Ibid.
4. Insight on the Scriptures, (New York: IBSA Publishing, 1988), vol. 1, pp. 861-862.
5. Unless otherwise indicated, all scripture is from Holy Bible, New Living Translation, (Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Foundation, 2007).
6. MacDonald, W., Believer’s Bible Commentary: Old and New Testaments, (see above), p. 1273.
7. Ibid., p. 1274.
8. Barbieri, L. A., Jr., “Matthew,” in The Bible Knowledge Commentary: An Exposition of the Scriptures, (Eds.) Walvoord, J. F. and Zuck, R. B., (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1985), vol. 2, p. 62.
9. MacDonald, W., Believer’s Bible Commentary: Old and New Testaments, (see above), p. 1274.
10. McKinley, John, “Can There Be Forgiveness Without Repentance? Part 2″, (The Good Book Blog, Talbot School of Theology, Biola University, California USA, 28 June 2017), https://www.biola.edu/blogs/good-book-blog/2017/can-there-be-forgiveness-without-repentance-part-2
11. Barry, John D., et al., Faithlife Study Bible, (Bellingham, WA: Lexham Press, 2012, 2016).
12. Kurschner, Alan, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing”, (Alpha and Omega Ministries, 16 March 2013), https://www.aomin.org/aoblog/textual-issues/from-the-lips-of-jesus-or-a-scribal-hand-father-forgive-them-for-they-do-not-know-what-they-are-doing-2/
13. “Luke 23:34 “Father, forgive them” forgive or tolerate? Hermeneutics and Atonement”, (Biblical Hermeneutics, 3 February 2022), https://hermeneutics.stackexchange.com/questions/81275/luke-2334-father-forgive-them-forgive-or-tolerate-hermeneutics-and-atonemen
14. “Forgiveness”, (Psychology Today, retrieved 3 December 2024), https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/forgiveness
15. McKinley, John, “Can There Be Forgiveness Without Repentance? Part 1″, (The Good Book Blog, Talbot School of Theology, Biola University, California USA, 21 June 2017), https://www.biola.edu/blogs/good-book-blog/2017/can-there-be-forgiveness-without-repentance-part-1#_ftn1
16. “What is Christian reconciliation?” (Got Questions Ministries, 29 June 2022), https://www.gotquestions.org/reconciliation.html
17. Carpenter, E. E. and Comfort, P. W., Holman Treasury of Key Bible Words: 200 Greek and 200 Hebrew Words Defined and Explained, (Nashville, TN: Broadman & Holman Publishers, 2000), p. 373.
18. Hicks, Tom, “When Does Forgiveness Not Lead to Reconciliation?” (Founders Ministries, 22 September 2022), https://founders.org/articles/when-does-forgiveness-not-lead-to-reconciliation/
19. Ibid.
20. “Dig a Little Deeper in God’s Love”, Artists: Gaither Vocal Band, (© 2018 Spring House Productions, Inc.; no licenses mentioned on YouTube page). Used under ‘fair use copyright’ for comment, teaching, scholarship, and research under Section 107 of the United States Copyright Act of 1976 — MUSIC VIDEO: https://youtu.be/FOPtMDKEk8c